Awesome Celebrity Nooz!

Penelope Crooz, He BETTAH Take You to Disney World

nooz hounds — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:27:19 +0000

Penelope Crooz, what is up? Do you like pirates or something all of a sudden? We here at the nooz hear you are dating Orlando (Disney World Rules!) Bloom! Do you think he likes the teacups ride? Or do you think he likes the Space Mountain ride better?

Besides asking what you are doing hanging around with BOYS in the first place, didn’t you know he was Kate Bosworth’s ex-boyfriend? So doesn’t that make you a gold-digger or something? I saw that on TV once.

What does he do vodoo or something? Why’s he wearing necklaces like a girl? Pirates don’t really rool. But Mickey Mouse does for rea

Kate Moss: Mom Says “Blow Your Nose”

nooz hounds — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 19:08:52 +0000

LOL! Kate Moss I can see your boogers! Ha ha ha! Haven’t you ever heard of your pinky finger?

Man, you lucky you don’t ride the bus with me! You would get made fun of wicked bad! There’s one wicked ugly and dumb boy who makes people with boogers eat them! And then the bus driver yells and usually you cry cuz everyone laughs at you. The bus driver is fat too. Gross!

Who is Sanchez, and Why is He So Dirty?

nooz hounds — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 13:45:53 +0000

Hey noozies! Everywhere I go lately (the clubhouse, the basement, the kitchen for cookies) all I hear about is this guy, who’s name is Screech, or Dustin Diamond, or whatevah. At first I was like SOUND THE ALARM, (the alarm is my little sistah hitting a bucket with a wooden spoon), FAKE CELEBRITY! But then someone told me nuh-uh, it’s ok, he was once on a wicked kewl show called Saved by the Belding, or something. I saw a re-run once and thought it was luh-hame, but whatevah.

Anyway, what’s the deal, he made a new movie or something? With someone named Sanchez who I guess lives in a garbage dump or something cause he’s really dirty all the time?At first I though they meant Oscar the Grouch. But then why would Oscar the Grouch, who is awesome, do a new movie with Screech, who is wicked lame?

Whatevah. But I also heard Screech lost his house or something, so maybe he is hanging out with Oscar to learn a few pointers about living in trash cans. Whatevah. Sanchez or no Sanchez, I don’t think I’m gonna see this movie.

Lindsay Lohan Isn’t Fooling Us, Or You, Or Whatevah

nooz hounds — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 19:03:35 +0000

DUH! Nobody wants to watch you try and play tennis like that, duh! Linds, you’re not even wearing a wicked kewl headband like ageisssi or anything, duh. And also, did you know, that your racket is like totes too small? Well it is, and nobody wants to see you play with it at all. For serious, why don’t you just do what you do best. Just “breathe,” or go cry to your mom who doesn’t really love you because your dad is in jail or whatever. Go Paris!

Umm… are you trying to poo? Because it looks like you are. Gross!

BREAKING: Spinach and E. Coli Team Up To Sickify Paris’ Friends

nooz hounds — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 16:46:34 +0000

Oh mah Gawd, two down and like zero to go! Even I have more friends than Paris Hilton, and I don’t have to pay mine or find boys for them. And no one from the internet calls my friends when I lose my Sidekick either, because my Sidekick is two pieces of cardboard scotchtaped together with orange magic marker writing on it.

Paris, don’t you even read our website? Obviously your friends don’t, because they’re STILL eating spinach! I mean how dumb do you have to be? Can your friends even read? LOL. I mean, cause if they can’t I know a really kewl lady named Mrs. Livingston who can teach them…Only she teaches first grade in my town! PSYCH! LOL! No way Paris’s friends, no way.

Boy Meets World, Meets Girl, Meets The End

nooz hounds — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 15:08:50 +0000

Uh-oh. Noozies, sorry to have to break it to you, but that supah awesome dude from that totes wicked show died last night. It is NOT awesome.

What about Tapenga? Is she going to marry Sean now to help her forget the Boy who Met the World, but also to stay close to him by being with someone who was also close to the Boy who Met the World?

~~Still alive.~~ Dead.

[via BigGayAl]

Jennifer Love Hewitt Gets Spinach Poisoning and WRONG Medication!

nooz hounds — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 20:34:41 +0000

Whoah! Another chapter in the super long book about how lame Spinach is! Jennifer Love Hewitt had to go to the hospital after eating Spinach! The worst part is, the doctor’s gave her the wrong medication! Check it out!

The word is that instead of being given the right anti-Spinach pills, the doctor gave her stoopid pills instead! And boy, they sure do work! Wait, who is Jennifer Love Hewitt anyway? I went to ask Dad, but he just woke up and yelled and then the bottle fell off the table and went smash and I ran away, probably wicked faster than dumb old stoopid pills here!

She looks like the kid who goes to the other classroom at school and always wants McDonald’s but he says it like “Iwongo MakDoalds.”

Paris Hilton, Give ME $100!

nooz hounds — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 14:56:35 +0000

Noozies, check out these pictures of Paris Hilton giving some gross homeless guy $100! Whatevah homeless guy, whatevah! Do you think you’re special because you know Paris Hilton or something? What did you have to do to get the $100, like, promise to give it back or something?

HEY, GROSS HOMELESS DUDE? THE CAMERA’S OVER HERE! What are you looking at, a half-eaten cheeseburger or something? Paris, I can’t beleive you gave this guy $100! I mean, he doesn’t even have a house! So where’s he gonna put whatever he buys? And I mean, you KNOW what he’s going to buy, right? Gawd Paris, do I have to spell it out for you?

There’s only one thing ANYBODY would buy if they had that kind of money, and you know it:

YOU KNOW HE WILL PARIS YOU KNOW HE WILL! What’s he gonna do with it Paris? Serve awesome cupcakes to his losah homeless friends? And where’s he even gonna use it, behind the K-Mart? Homeless people are supposed to cook pigeons over trash cans, not wicked awesome cupcakes!

Paris, puhhhleeeeeaze give me that money instead of the homeless guy while you still can. I DESERVE IT. I’ll let my dumb, err, I mean awesome little sister use it too, I sweah! You can come ovah and I’ll make you the best Easy-Lasagna ever, I sweah! We can eat it and watch Mickey Mouse Club, oh puhleeeaze, Paris, puhleeeeaze!

Paris Hilton Moved to India, And She’s Not Calling or Writing You Either

nooz hounds — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 13:12:08 +0000

Nope. She’s not! She thought about it and then decided, “Eh. Whatevah.” It only took her a second. Seriously. She was all, “Count up to a million. I’ll be gone longer than that.” And everyone else was like “Losah, nuh-uh” and she was like “you’ll see.” Then everyone shook their heads.

Her sister Nicky got so mad she called their moms and they were both grounded. So now its more like Paris is on a vacation. Which is waaaaaay cooler anyways, except she can’t buy any dogs or anything, so if this one dies, “It’s the last one.”

Did your neck throw up, Paris? J/k. I think it looks fine. Only, it looks a little like your neck threw up. But j/k, j/k.

FYI, its like she’s been on vacation forever almost. When asked when she would return she said, “Did you count to a million yet? You’re probably only on like 15 or something.”
SHUT UP PARIS!

Still up to the same stuff though:

[via Bollywood City via Radar via The Computer, Duh!]

Ashlee Simpson Looks Like A Horse, And Dad Won’t Buy Me One

nooz hounds — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 16:14:57 +0000

I bet Ashlee Simpson has a horse and a dog (ruff!) and a hamster. I had a hamster once, but my friend Steve borrowed him and said he set him free because he didn’t like to play the way Steve likes to play. Also, I bet Ashlee Simpson has a horse, BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE ONE TOO!

J/k, J/k, she actually looks like a girl, but kind of like a horse.

Dad, will you puhleeeaze buy me an ashlee simpson, I mean a horse? I will take care of it and whatevah and feed it. I will ride it too, maybe ride it away from here forevah because YOU LAME DAD, YOU LAME!

[via GalleryOfTheAbsurd]