BREAKING NOOZ: Maddox and Shiloh Deliver Speech to United Nations, Immediate Action Expected

Whoa! Double WHOA! We just got word that our suspicious suspicions have been confirmed! Maddox and Shiloh DID make a speech at the United Nations today. Thanks to some awesome diggin’ we came up with this supah sweet bone! Check da transcript: 

Scarlett Johansson! I Totally Have Those Shorts Too

OHMAHGAW! Its like we’re sisters! Like cool and awesome sisters, not like stupid always-stealing-my-stuff sisters! Can I borrow your glasses? Wanna sleepovah and talk ’bout boys and makeup? FYI, your haircut looks like a boys! J/k, its the awesomist!

Maddox and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt Hate Spinach!

Whoah, this just in noozies! With all the celebrities getting sick due to their favorite vegetable and losah not-celebrity E. Coli, someone’s finally taking a stand! And they’re babies!

Maddox Jolie-Pitt and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt are teaming up this week and giving a speech at the United Nations about how lame spinach is and that it’s destroying all the celebrities like Lindsay Lohan. Oh mah gawd, this bring a teah to mah eye…

But wait, what about losah little sister Zahara? I mean what is she doing? Little sisters are wicked annoying, everyone knows that (especially ME). I’ll bet Zahara does something wicked dumb, like draws all over Maddox’s coloring books or cuts the hair off all my Barbies. We’ll keep you posted about what happens as Shiloh and Maddox give their speech later today and Zahara watches cartoons at home or whatevah.

TOP SECRET: Celeb Hangout Cooler Than Your Bedroom

Ta-da! Thanks to some amaaaaaaaaazing under-cover noozin’ (double ruff!) we just got the scoop on where celebs are hangin these days! You know how whe you go to restaurants with your dad or whatever and sometimes bars and there aren’t any celebrities there? And you’re like “Why can’t we go somewhere that doesn’t smell like grandma’s and there are clothes on the girls who are walking around with drinks and stuff?” Well, its because they have a way awesomer place to hang out that no one knows about because its like a SUPAH SECRET! DUH! And also they don’t have to deal with their dads, which is totes uncool.

Celebs aren’t hanging at the mall anymore because there aren’t any cool clothes ever since The Limited left and went to that place by the gas station. Its true! They loooved that store. Now all the ultrah kewl celebrities are hangin’ at the Hospital! Its where all the nooz goes down!

Word is that she’s cheating on her losah boyfriend with a really coo bartender there. Its true! Bummer

If That’s Spinach, Put It Down Right Now! Don’t Eat It! Seriously!

Noozies! Run for your lives! For realz, there is some bad spinach running around the world! If you eat it, it makes you really sick! Don’t eat the spinach oh mah gawd!

SPINACH is responsible for all the PR “not-celebrity” E. Coli is getting! It’s like Spinach is E. Coli’s lame agent or something! And it is even starting to affect the celebrities! Celebrities loves spinach, because it is a supah hip vegetable. Most celebrities when they go out to eat are like,

“Oh, oh, can I have this? Oh, is there spinach in it? Oh, there is no spinach in it? Oh, then, whatevah!”

But not anymore! Read on to see who’s the latest victim!

Nooz Flash: E. Coli! Not a celebrity! Just some wicked dumb disease!

How many of you have heard of “E. Coli” in the nooz lately? So have we that many times! So of course, our first thought was, whoah awesome new celebrity, right? But once again, our supah awesome nooz hound sense of smells was tricked!

At first I was all, E. Coli, oh wicked cool! ! wondah what movies he is in! Maybe he did a new movie with Owen Wilson. Maybe he did a new movie with Kate Hudson. Whatevah!

But some serious nooz scouring and about 200 hundred googles later until finally I was wearing a hat like a cab driver’s and my dad’s glasses and I said WHOAH. E. Coli is not a real celebrity! It is just some stupid disease, trying to be famous, probably because it is wicked retarded!

So no one pay attention to this E. Coli guy, he is totally not a celebrity! If he is on TV don’t watch, change the channel and do a dance and say whatevah! If he calls you, say Whatevah and hang up! And then star 69 him and put a sock over your mouth and say “uuh, uuhf, hewwo is E. Coli dere?” and then when he says “yes?” take the sock off and go WHATEVAH and hang up! We will show this lame disease who is boss!

Lindsay Lohan, Or Should I Call You Orange Lohan!

Goooooooooooood Morning Newsies! First scoop is a doozie!

Lindsay Lohan eats so many carrots her skin is orange! Thats it! Thats the scoop! She’s, like, totally obsessed! With Carrots! WHOA!

Coming Next Week!

Hey nooz hounds, sorry we didn’t have time to get to all the awesome scoopz we promised  last Friday, but there was just too much nooz to cover! But next week, we PROMISE you can look forward to these great bones to chew on! Woof! Woof!

• Charlie Sheen: Still a Machine?
• Jack Nicholson: Wait, wait…Who??
• Alvin and the Chipmunks: Why do you guys give Dave such a hard time?
• Lindsay Lohan: Come on, one more time, pleeeease?
• Theodore Chipmunk and Dakota Fanning: SAY IT AIN’T SO!
• Kevin Federline: You need band-aids for those cuts.
• Steven Seagal!

 We can’t wait until next week guys! Have fun this weekend, don’t do anything a celeb wouldn’t do! Which is like nothing! Haha! Whatevah!

Nicole Richie, Why Are You Fighting for the Wrong Side?

THIS JUST IN: Nicole Richie is fighting the terroristic war! Awesome right? NOT! She’s on the wrong side!

               

Do They Have Awesome Movies on the Moon?

Ruff! Ruff! Tom Crooz could use some toothpaste! Why does he have his hand up like that? Is he behind a glass window so no one can get to him?

FYI you guys, same source told us that there’s something crazy brewing! Can you guess what Tom Crooz, Katie Holmes and The Moon have in common? Find out after the jump!