Ashlee Simpson Looks Like A Horse, And Dad Won’t Buy Me One

I bet Ashlee Simpson has a horse and a dog (ruff!) and a hamster. I had a hamster once, but my friend Steve borrowed him and said he set him free because he didn’t like to play the way Steve likes to play. Also, I bet Ashlee Simpson has a horse, BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE ONE TOO!

J/k, J/k, she actually looks like a girl, but kind of like a horse.

Dad, will you puhleeeaze buy me an ashlee simpson, I mean a horse? I will take care of it and whatevah and feed it. I will ride it too, maybe ride it away from here forevah because YOU LAME DAD, YOU LAME!

BREAKING NOOZ: Maddox and Shiloh Deliver Speech to United Nations, Immediate Action Expected

Whoa! Double WHOA! We just got word that our suspicious suspicions have been confirmed! Maddox and Shiloh DID make a speech at the United Nations today. Thanks to some awesome diggin’ we came up with this supah sweet bone! Check da transcript: 

Scarlett Johansson! I Totally Have Those Shorts Too

OHMAHGAW! Its like we’re sisters! Like cool and awesome sisters, not like stupid always-stealing-my-stuff sisters! Can I borrow your glasses? Wanna sleepovah and talk ’bout boys and makeup? FYI, your haircut looks like a boys! J/k, its the awesomist!

Nooz Flash: E. Coli! Not a celebrity! Just some wicked dumb disease!

How many of you have heard of “E. Coli” in the nooz lately? So have we that many times! So of course, our first thought was, whoah awesome new celebrity, right? But once again, our supah awesome nooz hound sense of smells was tricked!

At first I was all, E. Coli, oh wicked cool! ! wondah what movies he is in! Maybe he did a new movie with Owen Wilson. Maybe he did a new movie with Kate Hudson. Whatevah!

But some serious nooz scouring and about 200 hundred googles later until finally I was wearing a hat like a cab driver’s and my dad’s glasses and I said WHOAH. E. Coli is not a real celebrity! It is just some stupid disease, trying to be famous, probably because it is wicked retarded!

So no one pay attention to this E. Coli guy, he is totally not a celebrity! If he is on TV don’t watch, change the channel and do a dance and say whatevah! If he calls you, say Whatevah and hang up! And then star 69 him and put a sock over your mouth and say “uuh, uuhf, hewwo is E. Coli dere?” and then when he says “yes?” take the sock off and go WHATEVAH and hang up! We will show this lame disease who is boss!

Lindsay Lohan, Or Should I Call You Orange Lohan!

Goooooooooooood Morning Newsies! First scoop is a doozie!

Lindsay Lohan eats so many carrots her skin is orange! Thats it! Thats the scoop! She’s, like, totally obsessed! With Carrots! WHOA!

Coming Next Week!

Hey nooz hounds, sorry we didn’t have time to get to all the awesome scoopz we promised  last Friday, but there was just too much nooz to cover! But next week, we PROMISE you can look forward to these great bones to chew on! Woof! Woof!

• Charlie Sheen: Still a Machine?
• Jack Nicholson: Wait, wait…Who??
• Alvin and the Chipmunks: Why do you guys give Dave such a hard time?
• Lindsay Lohan: Come on, one more time, pleeeease?
• Theodore Chipmunk and Dakota Fanning: SAY IT AIN’T SO!
• Kevin Federline: You need band-aids for those cuts.
• Steven Seagal!

 We can’t wait until next week guys! Have fun this weekend, don’t do anything a celeb wouldn’t do! Which is like nothing! Haha! Whatevah!

Nicole Richie, Why Are You Fighting for the Wrong Side?

THIS JUST IN: Nicole Richie is fighting the terroristic war! Awesome right? NOT! She’s on the wrong side!

               

Los Angeles: Where Celebs Go to Rool

Have you heard of Hollywood? DUH, dumb question. But seriously, have you heard of it? This place rools, it is where all the celebs live. Everyone in hollywood has a bunch of little dogs, and they rule too! Like everyone gets waaaaay more than one! And when your dog dies they give you a new one. Not like everywhere else where instead of giving you a dog they make you bury him. It sucks! Nobody in Hollywood has to bury their dog in the backyard when its raining and not give you a new dog to play with, like in Hollywood. That would be totally evil. Not even something that DADS would make you do. Not even, because dogs are awesome and dads are not.

ONGOING COVERAGE: Maddox and Suri Standoff

Tom Crooz and Angelina’s son, Maddox, known terrorist and kidnapper, totally called for a truce. Crooz said at a press conference, “About that whole thing, whatevah!” Then he leaned back in his chair and shrugged. Then he shared his sippy cup with Shiloh.

In exchange for a GI Joe and some donuts, Maddox flew Suri Crooz in a hot air balloon back to the United States.

How awesome is that! Now why can’t Tom  Cruise and Vince Vaughn just get over Chicago and start filming Ocean’s 15! Lets go Celebrities! Today is going to be a good day!

Lindsay Lohan is See-Thru

Good morning, fellow noozies! We’re glad to have you back and be able to give you the scoopz you need!

I was tired when I woke up this morning (to scan the nooz feeds) but after seeing Lindsay Lohan now I’m totally awake. Totally. Awake. Whats the deal with these boobies pictures? And her weirdo outfit? She’s like totally gonna do some black magic and then show you her boobies! Whatevah! 

But I mean whats the deal? Why are celebrities like always wearing see through clothes? Right? I know that when I put clothes on, its to make sure no one can see me without clothes. I mean geez, don’t you guys know what clothes are even for? For covering up, and stuff! For realz!