Oh mah Gawd, two down and like zero to go! Even I have more friends than Paris Hilton, and I don’t have to pay mine or find boys for them. And no one from the internet calls my friends when I lose my Sidekick either, because my Sidekick is two pieces of cardboard scotchtaped together with orange magic marker writing on it.
Paris, don’t you even read our website? Obviously your friends don’t, because they’re STILL eating spinach! I mean how dumb do you have to be? Can your friends even read? LOL. I mean, cause if they can’t I know a really kewl lady named Mrs. Livingston who can teach them…Only she teaches first grade in my town! PSYCH! LOL! No way Paris’s friends, no way.
Noozies, check out these pictures of Paris Hilton giving some gross homeless guy $100! Whatevah homeless guy, whatevah! Do you think you’re special because you know Paris Hilton or something? What did you have to do to get the $100, like, promise to give it back or something?
HEY, GROSS HOMELESS DUDE? THE CAMERA’S OVER HERE! What are you looking at, a half-eaten cheeseburger or something? Paris, I can’t beleive you gave this guy $100! I mean, he doesn’t even have a house! So where’s he gonna put whatever he buys? And I mean, you KNOW what he’s going to buy, right? Gawd Paris, do I have to spell it out for you?
There’s only one thing ANYBODY would buy if they had that kind of money, and you know it:
Paris Hilton, we heard you didn’t even sing the totally awesome songs on your new album “Paris”! Can it be true? Puuuhhleeaze say it’s not!
We heard you got some losah from California who’s in some other band to sing for you! Why would you do this, when your voice is like such a sweet songbird! FYI, us nooz hounds (arf! arf!) have pretty sweet singing voices when we’re not growling and digging up bones (scoops) in the backyard! What is the deal? We tried to find out who it was , but we googled “losah from California” and all we got was this:
BREAKING: One of our super scoopers (ruff!) just told us that Lindsay has been up to something fishy. Uh oh!
Ultra top secret footage below. For eyes only:
The latest place she can’t get in is the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel in New York. Why? Rose Bar, why? Don’t you know that Paris Hilton is a famous celebrity and roolz?
Paris Hilton, you cannot get in anywhere, what is the deal? Is it you? Maybe you are not brushing your teeth or something? Whatevah, it’s not like the Rose bar is the only bar ever, am I right? I mean am I right? Whatevah! Wait, is it?
Paris Hilton, I have the best idea, and it is called “Club Paris Hilton”! You should build it for realz, and I can help because I have a clubhouse too, no boys allowed, woo! Just kidding, you could totally bring boys to yours, I don’t care. As long as your dad said it was ok, then, like, whatevah! Would he be cool with that? Wait he’s a boy! No boys allowed! Dads are boys! Oh mah god dads are gross!
Oh mah god! You already had the idea, I see it on your shirt! Go Paris! Rollercoasterz rool! Go Paris! I hope you don’t throw up! Go Paris! Your sister is busted! Go Paris! Yow!
Whoah! Jessica Simpson must be really poor or something after breaking up with Nick because now she works at Pizza Hut! Check it out!
Why is Paris Hilton in the doghouse lately? (ruff ruff!) Ha ha, just kidding, not the celebrity nooz hound doghouse! Gross!
But seriously, why? Don’t the police have anything better to do than pull over totally awesome celebs who have been drinking? I guess not! Ouch, that is Paris’ pain, and it is my own pain now! Ooo, it hurts!
Look at this, she’s so stressed she’e even talking into her radical superstar Blackberry phone backwards!
See the awesome radical buttons? But whatevah, I don’t like how people always make fun of Paris, ever since that awesome nature movie she made of the animals with glow in the dark eyes making all the weird sounds! She’s so smart and loves the environment!
Paris Hilton gets a bad rap. And not like Kevin Federline is a bad rapper! Whoah, snap! Awesome guitar solo!