DUH! Nobody wants to watch you try and play tennis like that, duh! Linds, you’re not even wearing a wicked kewl headband like ageisssi or anything, duh. And also, did you know, that your racket is like totes too small? Well it is, and nobody wants to see you play with it at all. For serious, why don’t you just do what you do best. Just “breathe,” or go cry to your mom who doesn’t really love you because your dad is in jail or whatever. Go Paris!
Category Archives: Lohan
Ta-da! Thanks to some amaaaaaaaaazing under-cover noozin’ (double ruff!) we just got the scoop on where celebs are hangin these days! You know how whe you go to restaurants with your dad or whatever and sometimes bars and there aren’t any celebrities there? And you’re like “Why can’t we go somewhere that doesn’t smell like grandma’s and there are clothes on the girls who are walking around with drinks and stuff?” Well, its because they have a way awesomer place to hang out that no one knows about because its like a SUPAH SECRET! DUH! And also they don’t have to deal with their dads, which is totes uncool.
Celebs aren’t hanging at the mall anymore because there aren’t any cool clothes ever since The Limited left and went to that place by the gas station. Its true! They loooved that store. Now all the ultrah kewl celebrities are hangin’ at the Hospital! Its where all the nooz goes down!
Word is that she’s cheating on her losah boyfriend with a really coo bartender there. Its true! Bummer
Noozies! Run for your lives! For realz, there is some bad spinach running around the world! If you eat it, it makes you really sick! Don’t eat the spinach oh mah gawd!
SPINACH is responsible for all the PR “not-celebrity” E. Coli is getting! It’s like Spinach is E. Coli’s lame agent or something! And it is even starting to affect the celebrities! Celebrities loves spinach, because it is a supah hip vegetable. Most celebrities when they go out to eat are like,
“Oh, oh, can I have this? Oh, is there spinach in it? Oh, there is no spinach in it? Oh, then, whatevah!”
But not anymore! Read on to see who’s the latest victim!
Goooooooooooood Morning Newsies! First scoop is a doozie!
Lindsay Lohan eats so many carrots her skin is orange! Thats it! Thats the scoop! She’s, like, totally obsessed! With Carrots! WHOA!
Have you heard of Hollywood? DUH, dumb question. But seriously, have you heard of it? This place rools, it is where all the celebs live. Everyone in hollywood has a bunch of little dogs, and they rule too! Like everyone gets waaaaay more than one! And when your dog dies they give you a new one. Not like everywhere else where instead of giving you a dog they make you bury him. It sucks! Nobody in Hollywood has to bury their dog in the backyard when its raining and not give you a new dog to play with, like in Hollywood. That would be totally evil. Not even something that DADS would make you do. Not even, because dogs are awesome and dads are not.
Seriously? What happened here? You guys both look all tangled up in stuff.
Linds, how did you get that power cord wrapped around your dress? You can’t plug it in, you know. You can’t!
And Paris, that dress is so old its got spider-webs on it! And not the cool kind like in the cartoons, it’s the scary kind like in the cartoons! Gosh!
Uh, hey, Jessica, look over here at this cereal, or whatevah, because FYI there is a big picture of you on the magazine on the other side of the rack. I mean, no, there’s not, why would I say that? Whatevah!
What is she doing at a grocery store anyway? Why didn’t she make her little sister with the tupperware face Ashlee go for her? That’s what dumb little sisters are for, and beleive me, I KNOW.
And why is she wearing that ugly hat? Does that hat say L…A? What does that mean? “Lindsay Awesome”? Is she a fan of Lindsay Lohan? Whoah, I think so! Jessica, come sleep over this weekend! You can have the popcorn Kate Bosworth was gonna have! Only, wear a turtleneck or something, because your boobies are like planets and they’re scary.